Just another girl dreaming of being weightless
I’m Cathy, 21, a medical student, 5’9”, with a BMI that has fluctuated between 18 and 22.1 over the years. I’m bipolar, bisexual, London born and raised and I love partying, uni life and rowing.
I’ve had binging/purging anorexia since I was 14, but have never really shown it because I have horribly overbearing parents who watch every mouthful I take since they once found me using laxatives to lose weight around 4yrs ago. I’ve just got better at hiding it since then.
I have a brother and parents that love me, and a string of relationships who have told me you’re good just the way you are but I look in the mirror and all you see is fat, drooping over your jeans, saddlebags, folds where they shouldn’t be.
I live in a dream world most of the time, I bury myself in fiction, people have told me it’s quite sad to watch because I get so upset when I finish said book and the world collapses for me. I hate reality. I hate monotony and normality. I want faeries and war and love and hate and extreme emotions and situations. I remove myself from myself mentally and it’s a far happier place. It’s why I spend a lot of time asleep or drunk.
I’m fairly self destructive and seek out things that hurt me. I see it as karma for who I am. I’ve the ability and potential to get straight A’s and have done in the past but as soon as someone’s not watching me I’ll just do whatever the fuck I can to make sure I fail and therefore have another reason to say look, I’m a failure. I’ll seek out relationships where I get hurt. I’ll drink until bad things happen and I nearly get raped.
I’m quite mixed up and confused and unhappy about 97.5% of the time. And I find myself hard to explain. But I hope this gives you a picture of me, even if it doesn’t explain anything or make any of my feelings clear.
Skinny love xxx
Age: 21 Favorite Exercise: squats, crunches, rowing Where Do You Slip Up: When I get depressed and begin to give up on life again. I AM - I WISH - APPEARANCE - RELATIONSHIPS - SEXUALITY - HONESTY - [x] I thrive on compliments I’VE DONE -
Dress Size: Between a UK size 10-14 depending on the garment and the shop
Highest Weight: around 155lbs
Lowest Weight (at height): 125lbs pounds
Goal Weight: somewhere around 115lbs pounds.
Favorite Diet Food: water, diet coke, grapes, satsumas
Favorite Binge Food: cookies mainly, and baking anything, I eat all the mixture, but I’m a big binger on cookies, though it’s not restricted tot hat, will happily binge on just about anything, pasta’s particularly bad
Favorite Thinspo: ribs, hipbones, collarbones, and thigh gaps.
When Did It Start?
Hating your body: Around 14.
Restricting/counting: Around 14
Does Anyone Know: A few people, but only really one person knows everything and even they I spare the gory details for.
You Want Help: Not really, unless you have a wand that you can wave to make me lose 30lbs
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day: Depends on my mood, but a good day, under 500kcal.
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror: A fat person, a hateful person, an unlovable, chubby, chunky, ugly person.
Are You In A Relationship: Nope.
Are You Depressed: Bipolar so comes and goes, but most of the time yes.
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide: Sort of.
Ever Been To A Psychologist: Every so often, when it gets bad or I need meds.
 living off diet pills
[x] drinking something
 Under 100lbs
[x] starving yourself
 participating in a fast
[x] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
 call me fat
 say I’m skinny
 say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
 say I eat too much
 wish I’d eat more
[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
 I was under 80lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
 I could stop being anorexic
I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
 being weak
[x] losing weight
 being anorexic/bulimic
 green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself
 I am shorter than 5’4.
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
 I tan easily.
 I wish my hair was a different color.
 I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
 I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
 I have/had braces.
 I wear glasses
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
 I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[x] I’ve run away from home.
 I’ve been kicked out of the house.
x My biological parents are together.
 I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
 I’ve had children.
 I’ve lost a child.
[x] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
 Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I’ve peed from laughing.
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
 I’ve glued my hand to something
 I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
 I’ve had my trousers rip in public.
[x] I’m single
 I’m in a relationship.
 I’m engaged.
 I’m married.
 I’ve gone on a blind date.
 I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
 I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[x] I’ve cheated in a relationship.
 I’ve gotten divorced
[x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.
[x] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
 I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[x] I have kissed a stranger.
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve cheated on a test.
 I’ve been suspended from school.
BAD TIMES -
[x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[x] I regularly drink.
 I can’t swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point.
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset.
[x] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
 I’m addicted to self harm.
[x] I’ve woken up crying
[x] I’ve lost weight
[x] I’ve gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
 I’m at my thinnest
 I’m at my biggest
 I’ve lost weight and kept it off
[x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I’m hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I’ve skipped a meal
[x] I’ve thrown food away
[x] I’ve spit food out
[x] I’ve fasted
[x] I’ve taken diet pills
[x] I’ve used laxatives
[x] I’ve purged
[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
 I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[x] I’ve fainted from exhaustion
[x] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret (mostly)
[x] I have a diet blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I’m doing this for me
[x] I’m doing this for someone
[x] I’m doing this to prove myself
Favorite Exercise: squats, crunches, rowing
Where Do You Slip Up: When I get depressed and begin to give up on life again.
I AM -
I WISH -
[x] I thrive on compliments
I’VE DONE -