Just another girl dreaming of being weightless

I’m Cathy, 21, a medical student, 5’9”, with a BMI that has fluctuated between 18 and 22.1 over the years. I’m bipolar, bisexual, London born and raised and I love partying, uni life and rowing.

I’ve had binging/purging anorexia since I was 14, but have never really shown it because I have horribly overbearing parents who watch every mouthful I take since they once found me using laxatives to lose weight around 4yrs ago. I’ve just got better at hiding it since then. 

I have a brother and parents that love me, and a string of relationships who have told me you’re good just the way you are but I look in the mirror and all you see is fat, drooping over your jeans, saddlebags, folds where they shouldn’t be.

I live in a dream world most of the time, I bury myself in fiction, people have told me it’s quite sad to watch because I get so upset when I finish said book and the world collapses for me. I hate reality. I hate monotony and normality. I want faeries and war and love and hate and extreme emotions and situations. I remove myself from myself mentally and it’s a far happier place. It’s why I spend a lot of time asleep or drunk.

I’m fairly self destructive and seek out things that hurt me. I see it as karma for who I am. I’ve the ability and potential to get straight A’s and have done in the past but as soon as someone’s not watching me I’ll just do whatever the fuck I can to make sure I fail and therefore have another reason to say look, I’m a failure. I’ll seek out relationships where I get hurt. I’ll drink until bad things happen and I nearly get raped. 

I’m quite mixed up and confused and unhappy about 97.5% of the time. And I find myself hard to explain. But I hope this gives you a picture of me, even if it doesn’t explain anything or make any of my feelings clear.

Skinny love xxx

Age: 21
Height: 5’9”
Weight: ~144lbs
Dress Size: Between a UK size 10-14 depending on the garment and the shop
Highest Weight: around 155lbs
Lowest Weight (at height): 125lbs pounds
Goal Weight: somewhere around 115lbs pounds.
Favorite Diet Food: water, diet coke, grapes, satsumas
Favorite Binge Food: cookies mainly, and baking anything, I eat all the mixture, but I’m a big binger on cookies, though it’s not restricted tot hat, will happily binge on just about anything, pasta’s particularly bad

Favorite Exercise: squats, crunches, rowing
Favorite Thinspo: ribs, hipbones, collarbones, and thigh gaps.

Where Do You Slip Up: When I get depressed and begin to give up on life again. 

When Did It Start? 
Hating your body: Around 14.
Restricting/counting: Around 14
Does Anyone Know: A few people, but only really one person knows everything and even they I spare the gory details for.
You Want Help: Not really, unless you have a wand that you can wave to make me lose 30lbs
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day: Depends on my mood, but a good day, under 500kcal.
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror: A fat person, a hateful person, an unlovable, chubby, chunky, ugly person.  
Are You In A Relationship: Nope.
Are You Depressed: Bipolar so comes and goes, but most of the time yes.
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide: Sort of. 
Ever Been To A Psychologist: Every so often, when it gets bad or I need meds.

I AM - 
[] anorexic 
[x] ednos 
[x] bulimic
[] living off diet pills
[] hungry 
[] thirsty 
[x] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs 
[x] starving yourself 
[] participating in a fast

[x] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic 
[] call me fat 
[] say I’m skinny 
[] say I’m ugly 
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me 
[x] force me to eat 
[] say I eat too much 
[] wish I’d eat more 
[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic

[x] I was THIN 
[x] I had a better body 
[x] I didn’t have to eat 
[x] I could control myself 
[] I was under 80lbs 
[x] I could avoid food 
[x] I could hide what I am 
[x] I wasn’t fat 
[x] I was pretty 
[] I could stop being anorexic

[x] feeling hungry 
[x] seeing a difference when fasting 
[] shaking 
[] being weak 
[x] losing weight 
[] being anorexic/bulimic 
[] green tea 
[x] diet pills 
[x] being able to turn down food 
[x] feeling good about myself

[] I am shorter than 5’4. 
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes. 
[x] I have many scars. 
[] I tan easily. 
[] I wish my hair was a different color. 
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color. 
[] I have a tattoo. 
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance. 
[] I have/had braces. 
[] I wear glasses
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. 
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger. 
[x] I have more than 2 piercings. 
[] I have piercings in places besides my ears. 
[x] I have freckles.

[x] I’ve sworn at my parents. 
[x] I’ve run away from home. 
[] I’ve been kicked out of the house. 
[]x My biological parents are together. 
[] I have a sibling less than one year old. 
[x] I want to have kids someday. 
[] I’ve had children. 
[] I’ve lost a child.

[x] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation. 
[] Disney movies still make me cry. 
[x] I’ve peed from laughing. 
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing. 
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried. 
[] I’ve glued my hand to something
[] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose. 
[] I’ve had my trousers rip in public.

[x] I’m single 
[] I’m in a relationship. 
[] I’m engaged. 
[] I’m married. 
[] I’ve gone on a blind date. 
[] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper. 
[] I miss someone right now. 
[x] I have a fear of abandonment. 
[x] I’ve cheated in a relationship. 
[] I’ve gotten divorced 
[x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back. 
[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t. 
[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did. 
[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

[x] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex. 
[] I’ve had a crush on a teacher. 
[x] I am a cuddler. 
[x] I’ve been kissed in the rain. 
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger. 
[x] I have kissed a stranger.

[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t 
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t. 
[x] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am. 
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world. 
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game. 
[x] I’ve cheated on a test. 
[] I’ve been suspended from school.

[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me 

[x] I’ve consumed alcohol. 
[x] I regularly drink. 
[] I can’t swallow pills. 
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem 
[x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point. 
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset. 
[x] I take anti-depressants. 
[x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS. 
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it. 
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose. 
[] I’m addicted to self harm. 
[x] I’ve woken up crying 
[x] I’ve lost weight 
[x] I’ve gained weight 
[x] My weight holds me back 
[x] Weight consumes me. 
[] I’m at my thinnest 
[] I’m at my biggest 
[] I’ve lost weight and kept it off 
[x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back 
[x] My weight affects my mood 

[x] I thrive on compliments 
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size 
[x] I feel happy when I’m hungry 
[x] I get depressed after I eat 
[x] I’ve skipped a meal 
[x] I’ve thrown food away 
[x] I’ve spit food out 
[x] I’ve fasted 
[x] I’ve taken diet pills 
[x] I’ve used laxatives
[x] I’ve purged 
[x] I exercise 
[x] I exercise so I can eat 
[x] I work out secretly 
[] I work out daily 
[x] I exercise to counteract eating 
[x] I’ve fainted from exhaustion

[x] Weed 
[x] Cigarettes 
[x] Alcohol 
[x] Diet pills 
[x] Pain killers
[x] Anti-depressants 
[x] Ecstasy 
[] LSD 
[] Mushrooms 
[] Speed 
[x] Cocaine 
[x] Other

[x] I keep my eating habits a secret (mostly)
[x] I have a diet blog 
[x] I look at thinspo 
[x] I collect thinspo 
[x] I’m doing this for me 
[x] I’m doing this for someone 
[x] I’m doing this to prove myself